The End of Gloria's Unemployment

 

Well, it is time to say good-bye. I am gainfully employed now. I begin my second week tomorrow.

The offer came. It was perfectly acceptable. Of course, I accepted.

It is intense. It is professional. It is exciting. It is everything I desired in a job. It is a longer drive than I was used to, but I'll get used to it. We'll see how the winter goes.

Keeping My Fingers Crossed

I fully expect to not hear anything this coming week. I'm familiar enough with how companies work to know that groups have to put their heads together, then they have to decide how much to offer me, and then decide how it is initially presented - on the phone, by email, by letter.

I have taken some time to do a little bit of research on the subject of the salary negotiation process. First and foremost, I wanted to find a way to determine what I was worth and that I wasn't setting my sights too high. Well, I found a formula and it fit just right. So, I'm prepared for the next step.

In the meantime, I am getting more and more comfortabe in this temp job and I just know I will be sad to leave this company. By anyone's standards, this company is awesome. There is a relaxed atmosphere, no one is breathing down your neck, employees are treated with respect and understanding, there is ample communication throughout the company, and there is an air of professionalism about the company. Very, very much in contrast to The Company I was released from in April.

Life is good.

Thoughts About the Unemployment Experience

When I began writing this blog, I vowed to make the task of looking for a job fun ! I envisioned myself creating a brilliant resume which would result in offers from large corporations for my services. I also vowed that I would not stress about being unemployed.

Well, that latter part I thoroughly accomplished. I did not stress during those 6.3 months. I drank in the sunshine, and I enjoyed the lazitude (I don't know if that is a word, but it means lazy attitude to me . . . ), and I took inventory of my home, and I talked to my children, and I watched The Price Is Right before lunch, and I babysat my granddaughters, and I went to lunch with friends, and slept until 11:30 a.m. one sunny morning.

But . . . . the offers from large corporations for my services? Well, let's just say this: that didn't happen. I was collecting unemployment benefits, and I was required to apply to at least two job postings per week. I consistently filled those requirements, many weeks applying to 10 or more. As October approached, I did some serious thinking about how I was presenting myself. I began to study the job descriptions on the postings I was interested in, and I also began to study other people's resumes. I realized I was selling myself short. I "automated" my job search and expanded to other job search sites.

And, one morning a job posting popped up on the top of a job search site that caught my eye. It made me excited! "I can do this", "I can absolutely do this"! I thought. I immediately applied, and they called me immediately. The ball started rolling.

This temporary job had already fallen in my lap. Coincidentally, I went for my first job interview for this job I really, really want on the Friday before I began this temporary position. Second interview was four days ago, and third interview was two days ago. Drug testing this week. I think it's a go.

So, seeing as how businesses are extremely slow with the hiring process, I am not stressing about not being able to fulfill the duration of this temp position. I think I will be able to at least get a lot done while I am there. And, I don't want to burn any bridges. I love this company I am currently temping for. If a position were offered to me right now, there would be cause to seriously pause and consider it.

But, chickens being what they are, I don't want to count them before they hatch. I'm happy to not be idle while I wait . . . . and pray . . . . and appreciate my current employment.

What on earth was I thinking?

Fun? Looking for a job can be fun? I don't think so. It is a good way to put you in your place, that's for certain. But, fun? Not on your life . . . .

Renewed Confidence

Despite my waning sense of self-worth, resulting from a deplorable lack of response to my submission of resumes to two million companies nationwide, things turned around today. I went for an interview for a job that caught my attention immediately and made me excited for my profession again! The people, the job, the company. All of it. It fits. I only hope they feel the same toward me.

 I have a second interview in a week, and, knowing how companies work, they probably have other candidates to interview as well. I imagine it will take weeks before any kind of offer is made. In the meantime, I still have to realize that I may not be the one to receive this offer, and so I will be fortunate to be in at least a temporary job. On Monday, I will begin that temporary job. I am not concerned about my ability to complete this assignment. And, I am looking forward to it!

The Future (Short-Term)

OK, so today I'm thinking about how I'm too darn old to go to school and earn (finish) a degree. Whaaaat? I'm 55 years old. My grandmother lived to 90. Why not shoot for 90? Or 100? Then, being 55 just ain't so  bad. What is wrong with our society that we are made to believe we cannot plan to function beyond age 62? I'm mad now and I'm just not gonna take it anymore!

A Temporary Situation

A friend who worked for The Company in the past is having surgery. She has asked me to fill her position in her absence at a local company, one which I have referred to in the past. One which I would love to work for. Even though I had decided not to work part-time or on a temp basis, this is different. It could mean a foot in the door. I said yes. I'll be busy for five to six weeks ~ until around Thanksgiving. I look forward to it.

Ironically, I got a call today about another open position with a company I've had my eye on as well. We'll see how this works out.

Someone told me when I was first unemployed that Monster or Indeed would not help in my job search. I have found that to be very true. I applied to many, many positions, and heard back from only three employers! It's who you know. It's networking that really makes a difference.

So, did I accomplish everything on my project list here at home? Probably not. But, am I ready to call it a day and go back to work? Yes. That's not to say that I didn't accomplish a lot. It's just that it all came to a head yesterday when I actually got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the baseboards in the master bath and then pointed it out to my husband for acknowledgment. Mostly all of the tasks around the house are like that. No one is bothered if they aren't completed as much as I am. Making work is not something I need to do. The bottom line is that I don't feel fulfilled doing housework. I need people.

Motivation To Land A Job

I heard, through a friend who is employed there, of an opening at a local large company. My son also happens to work there. I have always wanted to work there. Even if I have to take a cut in salary from where I was when I left The Company, as long as it is 75% of it, I'm fine with that.

I can continue to collect unemployment longer than my original deadline. Mr. Obama extended benefits. I'm not certain how long (54 weeks or 99 weeks - government communications are always vague) but this just means I don't want to consider a part-time position, since I would probably make less than I get from unemployment benefits.

I don't need a job to "complete" me. My self-worth is okay. But, there's just so much housecleaning one woman can stand to do. After awhile, and finding myself talking to the dog, it's time for some different stimulation and interaction besides a wagging of the tail from man's best friend!

In other words, this extended vacation is becoming monotonous. Yes, I could get to like this. And, I have truly enjoyed the break from the rat race. But, I'm feeling the pull to get out there. When I heard of this opening, I felt excited and refreshed. If I don't get this job, I will most likely put just a little bit more into my job search. Perhaps I will re-tool my resume and cover letter. But, for now, I WANT THIS JOB!

Enough Already

After only two months of unemployment, I am already thinking about how nice it will be when I have a job again. It's the interaction with people that I miss most. Sure, my family is cool, but they're not always here. Time to step up the job search.

My Education - Get it Done!

I applied to the local community college. I got my letter of acceptance, which I am instructed to take with me when I meet with my advisor. I plan to go to the financial aid office and get as much information as possible. I meet with the advisor at 2.

According to the letter I received from the unemployment office, special consideration is being given to the unemployed in the form of grants, scholarships and low-interest student loans. Regardless of whether I am eligible for any of these, if I am enrolled in a full-time accredited education program, I am able to continue to receive unemployment benefits until my 26 weeks run out. I am not obligated, however, to seek employment while attending school full-time.

My first goal is to earn my Associate's Degree within a year. I have some credits already from classes I took years ago. With my advisor's help, I hope to piece everything together in order to accomplish this in the time period I have allotted to this task. Do I know what I am getting myself into? Probably not. However, it is necessary in order to make myself marketable. I AM EXCITED!

Beaten Down

So . . . , tell me, just why do they call it a Job "Fair"? Fairs are supposed to be fun. This wasn't. I couldn't even find the Ferris Wheel . . . :)

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I did it. It was a sea of black suits. It was very well organized. They kept my resume. However, I came away with the realization that nothing will compensate for my lack of a degree. The stark reality is that there are tons and tons of applicants with Bachelor's and MBA's and, I was told, they will be the first to fill these positions. I'm going to re-tool my resume and go in another direction. Something more attainable. I'll think this through over the next couple of weeks and make a plan. No hurry.

Job Fair

Tomorrow, I plan to attend a Job Fair from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. I am told there will be thousands of applicants for potentially 300 jobs. Each applicant is allotted enough time for a 5-minute interview. To tell you what kind of person I am, I am most looking forward to this because I'm curious to see how many people I will know among the crowd. So, wish me luck. Remember in my earlier posts that I planned to "have fun" during this process? Hmm. OK. Here goes. Let the fun begin.

On another note, my dear husband believes that I'm enjoying my unemployment too much. He's wrong, slightly. Here is why. If being unemployed means I must continue to cook, I need to get a job, and soon. Have I mentioned that I HATE to cook? Other than that small issue of cooking, though, I have not had a moment of despair since my job ended. I do think that everyone around me sees a new person. Relaxed, happy, joyful.  It has cleared up my complexion. I swear!

Being Part of a Bigger Group

Studying unemployment has been enjoyable. I have found a website that has links to everything you can imagine about unemployment. The website is listed below:

http://www.beingunemployedsucks.com/

Included in the website above are links to some extremely humorous insights into unemployment. One is listed below:

http://www.dvorkin.com/essays/unemben.htm

Sorting Out Feelings

A psychologist friend insists that I am acting happy about being let go because I need to avoid feelings of rejection. I wholeheartedly disagree. After years of working in an atmosphere of paranoia and intimidation and fear, having been "rejected" by The Company is not something worth being unhappy about. This is not a "Fox and the Grapes" situation. Given the "opportunity" to be employed by The Company again, even for a phenomenal amount of money, I would most certainly decline the offer. Therefore, I am happy (and, not just acting happy) to leave this experience behind me. As my husband says, "You can only go up from here!"

I am finishing up my third week of unemployment. I have been blessed to be able to enjoy beautiful spring weather. To be able to watch flowers bloom and the grass become more lush and green with every passing day is truly a privilege. Spending some quality time with my pets and children and grandchildren is priceless. I will not ruin this sabbatical by worrying about how long I will be unemployed.

For now, I am doing my part to keep things on an even keel. It is hard to avoid eating out, but we must make some changes. I should receive my 1st unemployment payment next week, which, incidentially, despite what the website states, is approximately 45% of my weekly salary.

A "Free" Critique of My Resume

A free critique of my resume was sent via email to my Inbox. I thought, "Oh, it is so thoughtful of this gentleman to have taken the time to personally look over my resume and give me good ideas". Using my very own words, he suggested changes to make my resume "POP"! He hinted that there is at least one typographical error or grammatical error in my resume but he didn't elaborate. As I scrolled down, it dawned on me that this was part of a sales pitch. His group of "professional resume writers" could make my resume "POP" . . . . .  for a very special price of $399.00 . . . . but only for a limited time. Oh, really? Really? Oh, Dear God, am I the most naive unemployed person in the world? Do people actually pay this kind of money for a resume? I think I'll wait until I'm really, really desperate. But, then, no. I'll wait until hell freezes over.

Taking a Sick Day Without Feeling Guilty

A springtime cold has attacked me. It's a miserable feeling. And, it is most probably contagious. I am able to stay away from others and I am able to rest as needed throughout the day. Having worked for a company that limits sick days and that frowns upon working from home, I am so much more relaxed today about being sick and therefore I am taking it easy, because I can. No amount of antibacterial hand wash can stop the spread of flu  or virus in an office environment. Encouraging sick people to stay home - without restrictions - is the only way to manage it.

Got a Nibble

Busy this morning transferring my contacts to a new email account when my cell phone rang. It was a lady from the HR department of a local company who saw my resume on Monster and whose company has an opening for a position that I may be quite interested in. It got me to thinking that I'm really excited about the interview process. I've grown a lot in the last couple of years, in that I know my strong points and I don't want to sell myself short. I do so much better when I enjoy what I'm doing. Having said that, I realize that I won't fit some of these jobs, and some of these jobs won't fit me. I hope I get a face-to-face interview with someone in the actual job area, so I can learn as I go.

I'm like a little kid who gets picked first when choosing teams ~ "Somebody wants me, somebody wants me!"

Filing for Unemployment Benefits

Filing for unemployment benefits online couldn't be more simple! It took less than 10 minutes. I have been advised not to expect it to begin for 2 to 3 weeks.

I am getting phone calls from life insurance companies in response to my resume on Monster. To sell insurance. Hmmm. Now, could it be that they aren't reading my resume? Because, if they did, they would understand that I BUY, I don't SELL. There's a difference there.

I am spending my first official unemployed day trying to get organized. New Google calendar and contacts, new files, etc.

Despite my prediction that this day would feel wierd, it feels quite good and natural. No regrets whatsoever. I think I can get accustomed to this.

A Temporary Change of Lifestyle

It is official. My email is turned off.

Already, I am overwhelmed with what I hope to accomplish while I'm unemployed. But, lest I get so overwhelmed that I don't move forward with my plans, I will create a project plan. My home and my lawn are my palette. Most likely, the most will be done in the first month or so, while I am motivated. Regardless, I will also incorporate my job search into my plan. I will not remain idle on either front!

Even though today is Saturday, I still woke up with a start and looked toward the digital clock, just sure I was late for work. It will take a while to be de-programmed. I intend to get up at the same time in the morning, though, so that it will not be such an adjustment when I get another job.

I am reminded of my granddaughter Cadence, who, when she spends the night with us, gets up at the crack of dawn and comes to my bed and whispers into my ear, "The sun's up!" When I tell her it's too early to get up, she repeats, "The sun's up!" To her, anything that isn't dark is the sun. Therefore, lack of darkness is sunshine. There is no point in arguing with her. She has had enough sleep and is ready to face the day! At this point in my life, I would like to approach every day with her enthusiasm.

Last Day at The Company








I am all too ready to make this transition. Today, I will finish packing up the boxes in my cube and I will take them home. It's amazing how much "stuff" I have accumulated over the years. Today is the day I complete another task. My employment at The Company is over.

How Can I Best Describe This Feeling?

Went to a retirement get-together today after work and ran into someone who was let go from The Company two years ago. She looked so much more relaxed than I had ever seen her, and she appeared years younger than she had ever looked in the past. She described the feeling she had after being released from The Company as "having a weight lifted off of my shoulders". That's exactly the way I would describe it. It is comparable to the way I felt when I first got back on my feet after giving birth to my almost-eight-pound-twin girls back in 1991! I have my energy back. I'm on top of the world. I'm smiling again. Who'da thought that being laid off as a result of "a reduction in work force" would be just the therapy I needed to get back on my feet again and forge forward? Honestly, I almost cannot stop smiling . . .

Let Me Clarify That - It Was "Because of Your Age" . . .

. . . . And today it got ugly. I didn't think it could get uglier as I make my exit, but it did. I am still reeling from it all. I am still technically employed, so I am not at liberty to go into detail. Let's just say that I will be glad when Friday has come and gone. Three days.

"Especially at your age . . . "

Wow. I'm officially old. Someone said that to me yesterday. Ouch.

Regardless of the context in which he uttered those words, it spurred some useful thinking on my part. I've decided to go back to school. I will take the classes needed to complete my Associate's Degree and then earn my Bachelor's . . . . before I'm too old.

Updating my resume yesterday made me realize that I want to put something in the Education area. I also want to join some professional organizations and get some professional certifications related to the area I am interested in. Perhaps if I get a job with a forward-thinking company, they will have a tuition-assistance program. Hope for the future! Now, that's something I haven't had in a long time, since I've been working for The "you're-lucky-you-have-any-job-at-all" Company.

Believe Me When I Tell You . . .

. . . . I am not depressed about my situation.

I know it is hard for some people to understand, but let me try to explain it.

I am a very resourceful person. When I was first married, I was amazed at how I was able to stretch a dollar and manage a household on a shoestring budget. It was a good exercise for me, one that helped me many times in the future, when a financial crunch would signal the family to go into "stringent" mode. I am excited about simplifying our lives again. What we WANT is not necessarily what we NEED. We have been spending too much for a long time, and this is a good way to tighten things up, for everybody's good.

Because I have a large family, I am not defined by my job. My family has always come first, as it should. From the day I was hired, I struggled with the job-family balance. It has finally come to the point where the job is really not worth consideration.

My plan is to enjoy this job search experience, however long it takes. I will blog about it, and I will learn from it. It is not my intention to mock it, as I realize that others are desperate to find a job. However, I will not put an importance upon it that robs my soul.

Ways to Cut Back on Expenses #1

The household expense over which I have the most control is food. I will be using my own kitchen for meals. There are quite a few challenges with this idea. First of all, I do not like to cook. I never have, and I never will. I can manage, but I'm not a happy camper when I have to spend too much time in the kitchen doing the Julia Child thing. Secondly, I'm not a strict vegetarian, but close. I don't eat any kind of meat, but I can eat seafood. So, you won't catch me frying a chicken or preparing roast beef, much to the dismay of my family. Third, we have eaten out for so long that my youngest daughter thinks that the first course is the presentation of the menu! The "eat it or starve" idea is something she has not been exposed to . . . yet.

Regardless of all of these challenges, we can and will reduce these expenses considerably. At least during the time I am "idle", I will cut our food expenses in half. No one will starve. I will try not to complain too much.

Creating a Resume

Today, I began to gather my thoughts in order to create a resume. Yes, I know. You're thinking, "Well, it's about time!" Yes, I have dragged my feet for too long. One whole week . . . (sarcasm here)

Well, so where do I begin?

Name. Easy
Address. Easy
Phone Number. Easy
Email Address. I use the conservative one, not the crazyladyinohio@hotmail.com one . . .
Objective. What is my objective? Isn't the objective simply to get a new job? Isn't everyone's objective the same when they submit a resume? I want a job with a company that is fair and motivating and does the right thing. I want a job that I'm comfortable with and I want to team with others who share my enthusiasm. Simple enough.
Previous Employment. Same company for 12-1/4 years. Does that mean anything anymore?
Skills. Why do I go blank when I'm asked that? I work so hard and feel so confident, but how do I sit down and quantify that?

Education. High school. Didn't finish college. Not too old to consider doing so, though, if this job-search idea doesn't pan out.

References. I'll produce these upon request, but only the names of those people who like me. :)

My boss, bless his heart, gave me a reference letter yesterday. It contained some really good phrases. So, I used them in my resume. I dug out my reviews from the past three years and found some other things I had forgotten about. I pulled up figures from cost savings reports. Man, this resume looks pretty good. Had a co-worker review it and she told me I forgot to include my software skills. When I do that, I will have to shorten the rest of it. It needs to be a single page. My plan is to get this finished  before Monday and to get it posted on Monster as soon as possible.

The Nightmares . . . . .

. . . . Have stopped. Perhaps you might say I was crazy to lose sleep over my job. The interesting thing is, I didn't know I was having a lot of nightmares until recently. I started remembering the nightmares. Some of them came true. I would hear an absurd rumor, have a nightmare about it, then, next thing you know, voila, it happened. It wasn't until I started sleeping restfully and peacefully, without waking up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep, that I remembered how chronically troubled I was.

Sweet dreams!

Missing My Good Friends

I know I am going to miss my co-workers, most of whom are my good friends, immensely. And, I know they will miss me, too. They will miss my crazy stories about my husband, my kids, my eccentric mother, my dog Denzel, my anorexic cat Bradley, the horny parakeet and her geriatric ex-partner (he's dead now), my precious granddaughters, and my continuous battle with my laundry room! I have always been an open book ~ or is it a book with no cover? I wear my heart on my sleeve, my emotions spilling out in the way of tears when I am frustrated. I brought my family into The Company and I brought The Company into my family. There wasn't really any separation. If you wanted me, you got me AND the Duff Clan!

I am going to be a big girl about this and say sayonara, so long, farewell, "friend me" on Facebook. See ya later, alligator. In a while, crocodile. Peace, man. Good-bye for now. Over and out. Ten-Four, good buddy. Hasta la vista!

Detachment

I am feeling a distinct sense of detachment from my job duties while I work out these two weeks. My whole attitude has changed. Everyone I have worked with knows that I treated people with respect and responded quickly to their needs. I will continue to do so until I leave. However, I am not stressed by it. That's the main difference. I "disconnected" in a lot of ways a long time ago.

All of a sudden, time seems to be dragging by. I thought these two weeks would fly by. Eight days 'till bye-bye.

The Envy

I am so completely surprised at how many people are stopping by to see me to wish me well. More surprisingly, many are telling me that they envy me. The look of worry on everyone's face is apparent. Even those who are sole bread-winners for their family wish they were being walked out the door - just to get it over and done with! I know how they feel. When someone leaves the company of their own accord, that's one thing. When someone is let go, it's another thing. If that someone who is let go is in a department that needs to suffer some cuts for one reason or another, and that someone has been there for a shorter time than anyone else, or that someone is not a good performer for one reason or another, somehow we can justify the cut. If that someone is an exemplary performer, has a good attitude, and has been with The Company for a bit longer than the rest of the team, it becomes a huge threat to not only the rest of their team but to the rest of The Company. I saw it all around me and I saw them coming in my direction.

Yesterday was a very strange work day. I have busy work to finish up, but I'm taking my sweet time and not stressing about it. I'm having trouble focusing on the menial stuff, as is expected. As I go about my regular duties, I am convinced that I added value to the job, and to The Company. I can't help but be a little bit disappointed that the powers-that-be didn't see how much blood, sweat and tears I invested in The Company.

I got an interesting job prospect today. I promised myself I wouldn't jump into anything right away. I am looking forward too much to having some time off. However, the fact that people I know are beating the bushes already to find something for me is so awesome.

Somebody told me yesterday that, practically overnight, I look so much healthier and relaxed. Well, let's just agree that I AM. Could the stress of the atmosphere at work have made me sick? Oh, yes. Can I now get well? Oh, yes.

My boss thanked me for being so gracious about all of this. I told him it comes from the heart. Grace is my mantra, my motto. Things happen for a reason. This time is just a blip on the radar of our lives. When we look back on it, we want to think we handled it with aplomb, with grace, with a flair.

And, of course, this is a blessing. A push, a shove, a kick in the behind, a motivation, a hint that it is time to move on. No regrets, no bad feelings, and no turning back.

So, I move on to Day #2 of my two-week notice. Sad to think about it, but this is the last time I will see a lot of these people. They know it and I know it.

The Beginning of my Last Two Weeks

This definitely feels very wierd. There's a sense that I don't belong there - already. They have released me; therefore, I am on the outside during these next two weeks. I didn't expect this feeling.

I have a lot of things to go through. Some things will come home with me. Others, I will get rid of.

I have a lot of people I need to see before I leave. A lot of contact information to gather. Many of these friends I will see at another company, I am sure, in the future.

How the Dread of Mondays Ruined Sundays

It is so ironic that just this past week, a co-worker and I were talking about how wonderful it would be to be able to sleep in on summer mornings. When my kids were young, it was so luxurious to lay in bed until the sun was hot on my face. I would hear each of the kids start to stir. The lazy days of summer. Just once or twice during my period of unemployment, I vow I will experience this feeling.

More than anything, I will not miss that feeling of dread that would come over me on Sunday evenings. The return to the work week. Now, I'll grant you that some degree of this feeling probably cannot be avoided when you are employed. But, more and more lately, it was a profound dread. Indeed, there was a period of time when I looked forward to starting the work week after a weekend, but that was short-lived. So, I know that if I find the right job, and I'm working for the right company and the right manager, my Sundays won't be ruined.

The Day After Being Informed

Yesterday morning, just before 9:30 a.m., I was informed that my position at The Company has been eliminated. I was given the opportunity of working the next two weeks. For that, I am appreciative. I didn't cry. I didn't even feel very upset. I thanked my superior for the considerations that were given to me. He told me to take the day off so that I could absorb this news and so that my co-workers could do the same. I called my husband and told him the news and he decided to take the afternoon off. I went home, let the dog out, made myself a cup of tea, and made some phone calls to some key people in my work life. It was a beautiful, sunny day outside and I intended to enjoy it.

My husband came home and we went to lunch and discussed the situation. I was a little concerned about adding to his stress level. He told me he was relieved. This (being let go) has been hanging over my head for a very long time. To say it has taken a toll on my health is an understatement. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders! Yes, really. We both agree that I will find the right job for me in time, but there is no particular hurry.

I'm glad, in a way, that I have two weeks left to work. My mind is racing right now with things I need to do here at home now that I have the time. Shampooing the dog, getting the pets to the vet for checkups, walking the dog, putting pictures up on the family room wall, having a garage sale, meeting friends for lunch, listening to music in my family room and being able to sing along, planting flowers, and maybe having a vegetable garden.

So ends my employment with The Company for which I have been a loyal associate for twelve-and-a-quarter years. I won't waste my time commiserating about the reasons I was let go. It was time. It happened the way I wanted it to happen. On to bigger and better things. When one door closes, another opens.

I don't think the wierdness will happen until that first week I'm home when everyone else is gone to work. I'll fill my days with plenty to do, especially at first.